A man is about as happy as he makes up his mind to be
– Abraham Lincoln, 1809-1865
On my birthday, in December, I spent time reflecting on how much life has
changed since I was a child. Things are far more complex now, with amazing
technology, many more things to do, and practically unlimited choices that
were once nonexistent. You would think that with all of this, people would be
happier and more content than ever.
Yet, the opposite is often true.
In fact, the level of unhappiness I see almost daily is a bit startling to me. There are many
reasons for this unhappiness, whether real or imagined. But, barring a difficult-to-correct
chemical imbalance (which is a relatively rare condition), most of this unhappiness is
unnecessary. People always have reasons for being unhappy, of course, and
many seem to harbor a fierce attachment to it – sort of a possessive “it’s my
unhappiness, by golly, and I WILL have it!” kind of thing. But regardless of
whatever reason they may have, most of the time it just comes down to this: to be or not
to be (happy) – that is the question. I firmly believe that, in most cases, happiness is a
choice.
I once knew a woman who had several young children. She told me that she used to get
up in the morning, overwhelmed by her roles as wife and mother, her moods
unpredictable and variable throughout the day. She was often unhappy, passing that
feeling on to her husband first thing in the morning as he got ready for work.
Then one morning she woke up with a startling realization. She knew that
being happy was as simple as a daily decision made immediately upon
awakening. From that point on, that is exactly what she did. Her family
thrived under her new policy.
My dad used to tell me to never talk about religion or politics; these volatile subjects may
produce responses from defensiveness to rage. I’ve noticed that the suggestion that
people control their own happiness can do the same thing. Regardless, I stand by what I
say. Happiness is a choice.
People respond to difficult childhoods in a variety of ways; depression, blaming others,
turning to a life of crime, abusing others, etc. Lawyers create defenses to soften
consequences for criminals by appealing to the pity of the jury for such past experiences.
There is a lot of support for those who wish to absolve themselves of responsibility for
their own feelings and actions, so being “helpless” and “pathetic” is “in” these days. But
there is another way, for those who decide to create a more meaningful,
productive, and happy life.
One of my favorite books is Man’s Search for Meaning, by Viktor E. Frankl, first
published in Austria in 1946. This remarkable book, written in two distinct sections,
describes Frankl’s experiences inside concentration camps in Germany during World
War II, followed by a description of a therapy he developed, inspired by his own
ability to find meaning and contentment even inside a concentration camp.
How on earth, you might ask, could a person find meaning in life and, thus, happiness,
while being starved, overworked, and abused, under the constant threat of death, in a
concentration camp?
According to Frankl, the key to happiness is through finding meaning in life. I
have noticed that when I actively pursue happiness for the sake of happiness itself, it
eludes me. Almost anything we pursue or try to hang onto is like that. True happiness is
actually a by-product; it doesn’t happen when it is the goal. In his “logotherapy,” Frankl
outlines three different ways to find meaning in life: “(1) by creating a work or doing a
deed; (2) by experiencing something or encountering someone; and (3) by the attitude
we take toward unavoidable suffering (Frankl, 1985, p. 133).”
When we create, or we do something that helps others in some way, we tap
into a side of our being that rewards accomplishment with good feelings. In
doing these things, we are able to transcend ourselves, elevating our usual
experience of life to a different level. We forget about ourselves in these
moments, releasing us to experience an unselfconscious sense of joy. At
times like this we become more real; instead of thinking about how we are feeling, we
simply feel. For me, this is the next thing to pure bliss.
Frankl’s second path to finding meaning in life, by experiencing something or
encountering someone, provides us with yet another unselfconscious experience. Going
to Bryce Canyon in Utah, for example, can give us the experience of something
much greater than ourselves, infusing us with a sense of wonder and
amazement; another formula for happiness. Connecting with another human being on a
deeper level than usual, again, lifts us out of ourselves, enabling us to step into someone
else’s world where we forget about our own thoughts, feelings, and worries for awhile.
When we reach out to love, understand, or help another person, we can forget our own
cares and worries for a time and make a difference in someone else’s life. Thus, we feel
better about ourselves, which makes us happy.
The last, and most difficult path, has to do with attitude; how we view the things that
happen to us, especially those things that are very difficult, or even terrible. Suffering is an
inevitable part of life. We may experience suffering on many levels – humiliation or
embarrassment, disease, loss of a loved one through death, poverty, torture, deprivation,
abuse, etc. No human being alive can avoid periods of suffering. What
elevates us is how we deal with it. If we can appreciate personal growth or a new
inner strength that may occur as a result of our suffering, our lives are further enriched,
even in the worst of times.
Frankl points out that we can find meaning in life, even in a hopeless situation.
He says that this is human potential at its best, “which is to transform a personal
tragedy into a triumph, to turn one’s predicament into a human achievement. When we
are no longer able to change a situation – just think of an incurable disease such as
inoperable cancer – we are challenged to change ourselves (Frankl, 1985, p. 135).” Ah,
what a concept! Change ourselves. Nothing incites human resistance faster,
but it is one key to liberation from unhappiness.
The quote, above, by Abraham Lincoln was inspired by 30 years of failure and
disappointment. Yet, Lincoln recognized that no matter what outside events
transpire, personal happiness is not contingent on winning or not winning.
The process and effort involved in striving toward his goals gave him the strength he
needed to achieve great success; when he finally won, he won the Presidency.
There are many ways in which we can find happiness. Certainly if Viktor Frankl
was able to find meaning in the midst of such a hellish situation and, ultimately,
happiness, we should be able to, as well. It isn’t always easy to find the way, and it
sometimes requires a lot of creativity, hard work, and positive self-talk. But the effort is
absolutely worth it.
Choose happiness. And have a wonderful, Happy New Year!
Visit Holly's Author Page or email her at
HollyWhitman@housewifemafia.com
| Copyright December 2006 Holly Whitman |
Copyright © 2008 HouseWife Mafia All Rights Reserved. Unauthorized use prohibited. HouseWifeMafia.com copyright materials may not be reproduced in whole or in part by persons, organizations or corporations without the prior written permission of the Legal Department HouseWifeMafia.com.Housewifemafia.com and all its derivatives have been recognized and documented by the Library of Congress, Copyright Office, Washington D.C. Copyright HouseWife Mafia Media & Publishing. |
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| HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE by Holly Whitman |
| THE WAY I SEE IT a column by Holly Whitman |
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