With the holiday season going full-tilt and barely time to breathe, I find myself
accomplishing much more than seems possible. There’s a little trick I use to
do this. My strategy is to imagine the end I wish to achieve and not worry about the
means. I let my sub- conscious mind work out the details, which results in an interesting
combination of creativity, concentration, and some old-fashioned nose-to-the-grindstone
determination.
If I make up my mind, then I persist until it is done.This method works for almost anything I
decide I want to do.
I tried explaining this to a friend who constantly whines, “I can’t,”
when referring to doing things outside her comfort zone. She tries to attribute
superhuman abilities to me, as a way of bolstering her claim that I am able to do things
most people “can’t.” This is supposed to somehow absolve her of having to reach within
to find that extra
oomph she needs to make things happen.
I can tell you right now, there is nothing superhuman about me. Making an
effort to accomplish something difficult is sometimes exhausting and painful, and I feel
the pain, like everyone else. I just happen to believe that persistence and determination
are the keys to personal success, whatever that is for each individual.
Last year I decided to try contact lenses because I hate my world circumscribed by a
frame that is clear on the inside and fuzzy on the outside. I had difficulty getting the lenses
in and wondered if I could learn to do this. Finally, the technician took out some photos
and said, “Okay, look. See this patient of ours? She has learned to put them in You can
do this.”
I looked at the photos and nearly fell out of my chair. That young woman had no arms.
She was putting her contacts in with her feet and toes. It took me about one minute, after
seeing those photos, to get them in. The technician told me this 23 year old woman also
flies
airplanes. How does she do it? She sure doesn’t do it by resorting to that tired
old phrase, “I can’t.”
Neither does the armless woman in an emailed video clip someone sent me earlier this
year. That woman is a mother, who takes great care of her baby, changing, feeding,
comforting, cuddling, holding, and transporting the baby with her feet, all without help.
A few years ago I lived next door to a woman in her late seventies who told
me a remarkable story. When she was around age 60, she had a stroke that put her in
a wheel chair for several years. Her husband wheeled her everywhere and cooked her
meals every day. By the time she reached age 65, he got cancer and started feeling
weak and ill. As he deteriorated, she realized that soon he would no longer be able to
care for her and, ironically, he would need care.
“I literally willed myself out of that chair,” she told me, very matter-of-factly.
“How did you do that?”
“I had no choice,” she said. “I focused on it everyday. After a while, I was still weak, but I
started walking. By the time he needed me most, I was out of that chair for good. Soon it
was me wheeling him around, instead of him wheeling me.” Out of sheer desperation,
and a deep love for her husband, she eventually became a strong and mobile
person. She couldn’t afford to have the phrase, “I can’t,” in her vocabulary.
Of course, there are times we truly can’t do something. Other times, “I can’t”
is a cover for “I won’t” or “I don’t want to,” and means letting someone down,
or worse. How often in my teaching experiences have I seen parents willing to sacrifice
their children, rather than face their own failings, or try to rise above their limitations?
Instead of bucking up and being there fully for the child, protecting and providing for them,
paying attention to changes that might indicate trouble or problems, demanding and
expecting correct behavior, keeping close watch over their children, making sure they get
their homework done, and assisting when needed, these parents blame the schools for
their children’s failure to learn, for their bad behavior, and sometimes purposely thwart
school officials in their efforts to correct what amounts to parent- induced or parent-
enabled problems. These parents do not help their children come to school ready to
cooperate and learn, a necessary prerequisite to educational success.
The damage done by parents who “can’t” is immeasurable. In one school
district where I taught music, a number of parents spent time daily in the local bars. I had
a very sweet, hard-working student who used a school instrument but could not come up
with the $15 band fee until the end of the school year. He informed me that his parents
could not afford to pay it, so he had saved his own money and paid it himself.
Shortly thereafter, I was to meet several teachers in one of the local bars for a farewell to
well-liked colleague. As I waited, a partially sloshed couple shooting pool decided to
introduce themselves to me; they were the parents of the student mentioned above. They
ordered drinks for themselves, then, as they waited for their order, warmly praised my
work and thanked me for teaching their son how to play his instrument. As I spoke briefly
with them, I was aware that they were probably spending more than their son’s yearly
band fee in a single round of drinks; I wondered how many times they would repeat that
behavior during the evening.
Through the years I have met many adults who have stories about their
parents who lived the “I can’t” lifestyle. Parents who drank or used drugs; were
suicidal and didn’t manage to succeed in ending their lives over and over again;
neglected their child’s physical and emotional needs; fought loud and long, oblivious to
those around them; physically, emotionally, or sexually abused the children; and on and
on. The damage these self-centered people have wreaked is endless and is
passed on, generation after generation. The pattern only stops when
someone says, “I can, and I will.”
As I go through this year’s round of holidays, culminating with New Year’s Day, I find
myself evaluating and re-thinking what I want to adjust and change in my
own life. I am digging down deep for my own “can’ts” so that I can improve not only my
life, but the lives of those around me; family, friends, colleagues, and students. It’s got to
be easier than flying an airplane without arms!
I CAN do this, and I WILL.
I want to wish each and every one of you the best holiday season ever!
Happy Hanukkah, Merry, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year
| Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right – Henry Ford |
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| THE WAY I SEE IT a column by Holly Whitman |
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